The lost weapons
by bluishdream5
Summary: Yuffie takes a trashcan lid. Vincent aims his water gun, cid pulls out a flyswatter, Cait Sith starts yelling through a toilet paper roll, and Aeries breaks off a branch from a defenseless tree.Weird choice of weapons? you tell me. WARNING: randomness!
1. the lost weapons

The lost weapons

* * *

The whole 'gang' had just saved the world from Sephiroth and had gone back to Tifa's bar to relax, what surprised Tifa the most was to see Sephiroth walking down the street when they had decided to take a walk.

"Sephiroth?" she said aloud, "I thought we killed you?" she points at him for everyone to see. He looks over their way, "yea well, there's a thing called a phoenix down, which has nothing to do with anything because Hojo just recreated me!" He lied.

Cloud pulled out his buster sword; Yuffie looks around for a weapon and takes a trashcan lid. Vincent points at him with a water gun, Barret aims his half arm at sephiroth, cid pulls out a flyswatter, Tifa puts on rubber gloves, red aims his hair scrunchie, Cait Sith starts yelling through a toilet paper roll, and Aeries breaks off a branch from a defenseless tree.

"What the hell!" Cloud said impatiently. Barret looked at his arm, half of it was missing, "we left our f#$ing weapons at the bar, foo'!"

Sephiroth too had lost his weapon and looks around concerned, after seeing the train tracks; he pulls out a 7 foot long piece, "Check me out now!" and swung it around viciously soon knocking himself out.

Cloud put down his weapon, he looked back at everyone. "Hey, why is Aeries alive? I thought he killed her?"

Cid was swatting a fly with his swatter, "I don' frickin' know! Maybe the fact that we're in a fic makes anything happen?" He swatted the fly finally and then another one appeared.

"Hey, you guys should be hugging me and stuff! I came back to life! It's a miracle!" Aeries waited for everyone to notice her existence.

"I don't know, Aeries, maybe we just never got around to that fact." Cloud said fixing his nails.

"You guys can figure this out! Since I have these rubber gloves on, I might as well do the dishes." Tifa heads for the bar.

"Hehehehehee!" Their attention was suddenly turned over to Vincent; he was happily spraying Yuffie with his water gun,

"I'ma kill you!" Yuffie threatened swinging at him with her trash can lid.

"This could be more fun if I had my real gun." Vincent stated dodging her swings. A tiny droplet of water the size of an atom hit Aeries, "HUH! She looked at where it hit her, impossible for the naked eye to see, "You are dead!" She shook her fist at Vincent as he started running away.

"I just can't help but wonder why Vincent is running." red stated curiously.

Cid killed another fly, "because he sprayed Aeries with his water gun."

"Why not fly?" Red defied gravity and began flying dreamily.

"A fly, where? I'll kill the b#$& for ya!" cid swung his swatter in the air accidentally killing another mysteriously appearing fly, and mysteriously, another one appeared.

"Look, this is going nowhere," Cloud stated dragging Red from the air by his tail and dragging Sephiroth by his hair, "let's go see Tifa at the bar and get our weapons." He said in command like, he _is_ the leader anyway.

Aeries came back with a beat-up Vincent following her,

"Oh, leave it to cloud to know what to do in situations like this one!" She cheerily squeaked.

"Well, we have a mile ahead of us, the bar is a mile away, we walked a mile this way," Cloud continued repeating the same thing but in different words.

"Shut up, Cloud," Aeries crossed her arms.

After walking for miles they had obviously gotten lost, by this time sephiroth had gotten too heavy and they had to leave him behind. Float had finally worn off of Red and he asked to ride on someone's back for an hour. Unfortunately, no one volunteered.

"Where are we?" Aeries demanded to know.

"Stop actin' like you in charge, b$#$!" Cid swatted a fly on her head.

"OW! You want a piece o' me old man?" She eyed him evilly, "because I'll give you a piece of my mind, biatch!" She swung her branch fiercely toward him; he used his swatter to defend.

"Foo's, do you notice half my arm is missing! I need a doctor!" Barret started yelling countless swears and curses.

"Shut up you stupid cow!" Yuffie banged her trashcan lid on his head, to her dismay, it broke in half.

"Ahahahahaahahaah," Cait Sith laughed at Barret through his toilet paper roll.

"Hehe" Vincent sprayed him with his water gun, "looket who wet his pants." He spun his gun but it fell.

"Aw, I appreciate you defending my honor and all!" Barret hugs Vincent tightly stepping on his water gun and breaking his to a million pieces,

"You moron," Cait Sith started spinning around crazily, "I'm a robot! water will kill me!" He malfunctions and breaks to a million piece like Vincent's gun

"I didn't need to see that twice in one day," Vincent sighed and looked down at his gun, "No more bullying people around with my gun." He huddled himself into a ball.

_The man stood up for my honor, Cat Sith laughed cause my head broke a trash can lid , and he (sheds tear) he blew cat Sith to a million pieces, the least I can do is give him a new weapon_ Barret thought wearily, no one had ever done anything nice for him for as long as he can remember. He then looked around and handed something to Vincent

"Here," he shoved it in Vincent's hand, "a new weapon." Vincent's eyes did not light up at the sight of this new weapon.

"You don't like it?" Barret looked like he would force him to like it.

"Why doesn't this surprise me Aeries said monotonously and cloud brought up, "Why are you giving him toilet paper?"

He shrugs

"I'll be sure to supply Tifa's bar with this" He said, throwing it over his shoulder when Barret wasn't looking. Yuffie sneaks up behind Barret as they began searching again and she thinks for a while trying to figure out how to get him back for breaking her trash can lid."

" Yuffie, I know your there, foo'" He said taking a wild a guess, Yuffie looks surprised and without a word, leaves thinking of something else, Barret hadn't noticed a thing

_Thank god no one heard that, it would be embarrassing._

Cloud jumped for joy as he saw Tifa's bar, "See! I told you we could find it!"

He ran around in two circles, "aaaaah, no, I lost it!" He said with his back turned to the bar.

Red sighs and enters the bar followed by everyone else. Cloud follows them in after a while of thinking to himself

_I wonder, I wonder . . . where could it be . . . could it possibly be behind me?_

"Where were you guys! I did the dishes, slaved away in the kitchen, and heave-hoed some drunkards! Why were you so late?"

Cid made up an excuse, "Because Barret is black."

"Dat ain't no excuse niga! Dawg, every bit o' me is white!"

Everyone looked at him surprised, Cid looked closer, "you guys see it right, Barret is black right?"

Aeries nods.

"Good, cause I thought it could have been the nicotine getting to me." He pulls out a cigar and starts smoking it.

"What?" Barret questioned at the stares he got, "I'm White, niga!"

Tifa puts her arm on his shoulder, "you haven't gotten enough beer today,"

She takes him to the counter and forcefully chugs beer down his throat.

"I don't think that is necessary." Vincent brought up, "The man is in disbelief because everyone in here is white."

"You racist bitch!" Aeries slaps Vincent trying to defend Barret's honor, he reaches for his gun to find no gun.

" What about Kiros and Raijin, huh?" She takes another swing at him.

"Leave him alone," Cid stands up seeing how defenseless Vincent had been "I'll swat you off this planet before your next birthday, biaaaaatch!" He swings his swatter.

"Bring it, old geezer!" Aeries was not being fazed by Cid's swearing.

Vincent looks embarrassed "why is it that only men are attracted to me?"

Cid slaps his forehead, "I'm trying to help a brother out!"

Barret comes in drunk beyond belief

"We all brothers, right! Cause we all pink! 'xcept for dat basta'd Red, he think he bedda den us jus cuz he red!" He put his arm around Aeries to hold himself up for he was too drunk to keep a balance but his weight brought him and Aeries down toppling on the floor.

This catches Cid off guard and Aeries takes this chance to get up and slap him silly with her branch.

Cloud came to them in baggy shorts and long T-shirt with an afro and reading on his shirt was 'FUBU',

"s'up, niga." He held his hand out to them.

Aeries looked at him annoyed, "this not the time Cloud, not the time." By now, she was rubbing her temples, she truly didn't need Cloud doing weird stuff at a time like this. Cloud lowered his head and left.

* * *

a/n:I hope no one takes any of this too serioulsy, it's all in good fun, if you feel it is not right,I will get it changed or removed. 

R&R please!


	2. how it happened

How it happened

After that whole affair, Cid was placed on the counter while Vincent poured bear in Cid's mouth when ever he got bored and Barret was placed in the hospital, or at least they tried.

"You can't put Beeres Wallete away forever! Hahahahaha!" was his reply to the ambulance as he made a quick getaway up a tree. Tifa put her hand on her forehead and went to apologize to the ambulance people for Barret's doing.

The whole gang was in the bar while Cloud was telling dumb blonde jokes wearing his afro, "okay, a lady goes in a store and asks, 'how much is that TV?' the man at the counter said, 'sorry, I don't sell to blondes.' So she went out, changed her hair color to brunette, came back the next and asked the man again, the man said the same thing, ' how'd you know I'm a blond' she asked and he said, ' because that's a microwave! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," Cloud was the only one laughing.

Red looked at him dully, "you are a blonde and yet you insist on telling these jokes, you are pathetic, especially with that god damn afro!"

"I'm not blonde! I'll have you know my hair color is light, light, light, light, light, . . (Two hours later) . . . light, light, light, light brown!" He said out of breath falling to his knees.

Yuffie turned to Cid, "guys, I've been saying this for three hours, 'CID NEEDS CPR'"

"I'll do it!" Cloud raised his hand straitening his pants, "hehehe, I've done this before!"

He cracked his knuckles; Cid miraculously came back to life,

"I'm not dead! Especially if I have to be revived by that shit!" he points his hand at Cloud,

"you dissin' me, niga!" Cloud pointed at his hair, "this resembles a cloud!"

He then points to his shirt, "and this resembles . . . wait, lemme ask Barret." His whole speech, whatever it was about, was cut short when Barret suddenly comes in bust opening the door, "oh! Just because I'm black, you think I know what FUBU is? Well guess again B$#! All a' yall racist!" He obviously wasn't over that yet. Cid pulled out his swatter, "aww, I thought maybe by some miraculous chance I could pull out Vincent's gun and shoot him. . ."

That gave every one an idea; they all pulled out their fake weapons.

"YAAAY!" Vincent didn't pull out a water gun or toilet paper, this time; he had his real live gun.

"How the hell is that frikkin possible!" Yuffie screamed throwing her half trashcan lid in the trash, "I saw your gun break! And you threw your toilet paper away!"

"Say what?" Barret looked at him amazed.

"And you never had your real gun to begin with!"

"Maybe the author likes me." Vincent hugged his gun.

"Yea right, you, like, seriously look dead, and come on, your old and vampire-like, who could love you now?" Aeries pointed out.

"DIE, BITCH!" Vincent shot her missing by a 1/10000000 of an inch.

"What the hay! You could have killed me!" She protested

Everyone was silent

"Can't argue with that," Surprisingly, Cloud was the one to say this.

"Cloud, how could you? I trusted you! I thought you liked me?"

"Well, what have ya done for me so far?" Cloud crossed his arms.

"Um, I'll wear an afro so you don't have to look like a moron by your self!" She insisted and grabbed one for her self.

"HEEEEY, why don't we all do that? It seems kind of fun!"

Yuffie also put on an afro and went into a room.

"I refuse to." Cid looked away

"Why…" Aeries looked at him; he had no reason not to.

Cid didn't expect that, he thought hard, "because. . . Barret is black!"

"Oh, so now you got something against blacks eh, I'll show you, you stupid poopyhead!" Barret insulted.

Cid wasn't used to getting insulted like this, usually, he was the one to do it, so he thought of the worst thing to say," well, you look like poop."

Barret was about to faint, "OH LORD, TELL ME HE DIDN'T!"

Barret does faint and Cid laughs evilly, everyone, though, stares at him angrily

"That is an all time low," Vincent shook his head, "I mean, when I first met you, you cursed so much, I was ready to shoot you, I didn't know you'd go this far**, and because he's black, and no one else is!**"

"Stop binging that up, you are just as bad as him (continuous blabber)."

"Let's forget about him!" Cloud kicks Barret in a corner and cid disappears "Look! Yuffie is wearing stripper clothes!" Yuffie had come back from that room she was in, "look, I got some afros for everyone!"

Vincent put one on, he grinned, "do I look like Mr.T, or what?"

"No," Cloud answered, "Do you even know who Mr.T is?"

Vincent shook his head, "no, I just know Barret looks like him."

"So how the hell do you look like him?" Yuffie asked rasing an eyebrow.

Vincent just shrugged, now Red put on an afro, Aeries gave him some heavy gold necklaces with money signs on them

Tifa put on a barrette and sunglasses, and all that was left for Aeries was a gold tooth.

"(Sigh)", Aeries put it on anyway, "hey, who wants to watch MTV?"

"We don't have it." Tifa stated.

"Well, in the Promised Land," She thought a moment, "well, I guess we don't have it there either, that means it's not created, we don't know it yet, it never happened! Its gonna get wiped from our minds and we'll never think of it again! . . . What was I talking about?" Everyone shrugged, they didn't know anymore,

"I was thinking about cheeseburgers." Cloud said, staring off into space "I just put some random words together and got that word, it sounds yummy."

Aeries ignored him, "oh yea, MTV."

Cloud stared at her, but blankly as she blabbers about MTV,

"Asdfghjklmnnvvcxzzzserthjjxdjdzjmzxvc," was all he could hear coming from her mouth.

"I've had enough, who wants to start a rock band?" Tifa asked as everyone looked at each other and raised their hand, except for Aeries who was more interested in MTV.

"I don't even know what that is, so shut up, aeries!" Tifa yelled

"It's Materia Thief Television!" Yuffie shouted, and then thought about it, "wait, that's MTT."

Everyone leaves as they think about making a rock band.

"WAIT! We need our weapons! How will we fight out crowds?"

"Easy," Aeries stated, "with Tifa in the band, we won't have any crowds,"

Tifa ignored that and gave out orders, "Cloud, and I will look for the weapons, Aeries and Red will go look for Cid while Vincent tries to wake Barret up, oh, and Yuffie, you go start the band! After that, we all meet at the secret underground lair in this bar!" Everyone groans except for Tifa, she just grabs Cloud, followed by Yuffie and goes to the secret underground lair in the bar.

"Come on, beast, let's get to work." Aeries runs off to find Cid and Red just grunts.

"Shit, I have get Barret up, maaaaaan, this blows. . . " Vincent walks over to Barret and starts nudging him with his foot, weak attempt. He then tries turning him over, but Barret decides to puke on him. After rinsing five times, Vincent tried again, this time bringing a bucket of water with him, "heh, this should work."

He poured the cool water on Barret's face but Barret drinks half of it and now he's snoring and gurgling water at times. Vincent left and soon returned with a gong, banging on it a couple times made him give up after giving himself ear damage. His other attempt was to shoot aimlessly, with this he shot a light bulb, a beer mug, a slum drunk, and what he's been trying to aim for the whole time, Aeries, unfortunately, it didn't kill her, a sword through her liver hadn't killed her, the woman refused to die.

Vincent sighed, Barret could be presumed dead but still breathing, he wouldn't budge, when he was about to break a chair over his own head, he decided to break it over Barret's head, but Marlene had come just in time,

"ugh, is daddy sleep-dead again?"

Vincent assumed this was what she was talking about and nodded, "nothings working! Is this normal?"

Marlene went up to Barret, "I'll take care of this," she whispered in his ear "daddy, the beer truck outside exploded! It's raining beer!" Barret woke up in an instant, "out of my way, foo'!" Marlene just smiled and left, Vincent was amazed, "a beer truck exploded, you serious? I want some!" They both run out side looking for a beer truck.

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A/N:I hope you liked it, it's probably not the best but I'll make the other chapters better, this one was a real quick one and probably doesn't make any sense, it's just a way a way for them to get to the rock band , but it was pretty random when it was brought though. 


	3. Cloud and Tifa

A/N: before you read or if you read, there are some spoilers, and if you havn't finished the game not all of the spoilers are exactly true, a bit exagerastion here and there. R&R please and

enjoy. . .

Tifa and Cloud

Tifa was inside the secret underground base of the bar with Cloud and Cloud only (Yuffie had gone to start the band).

"So Cloud, before we start our search, let's talk about us." She said in a deep voice leaning over him.

"T-Tifa? What about us?" sweat dropped down his face, "confess your loooooove!" her face came closer to his.

"What love? Do I confess it to Aeries?"

"NO! To me! You liked me since we were little."

"Yea, but, you had a restraining order against me and I couldn't come in your house, you also had your gang beat me up and blamed me for your coma."

"But I was EIGHT!" Tifa got off of him and crossed her arms, "I said this before: that was in the past! Why won't you love me!"

Cloud brushed himself, "I now like Aeries, and I made it clear to you when you caught us dancing around naked."

"Maybe this will change you're mind."

" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Barret and Vincent had come in to meet them down in there after disappointedly finding no beer truck outside.

"So what's the most damn outrageous thing you've ever seen, niga?"

Barret asked Vincent, bored, ". . . a thong?"

"Whose thong?" Barret asked wide eyed

"My thong."

". . .I'm not even gonna ask."

"I'm just yanking your yarn."

" you mean chain."

"whatever."

By this time, they had made it inside the secret underground base and what they saw was not only the most outrageous the thing they had ever seen, but it was far more worth watching to them guys than a thong. Vincent opened his mouth but no words came, he decided to cover his eyes, then burn them later. Barret stared and started shouting godly swears which is very bad especially for Barret who is very religious. "HOLY FRIGGIN SHIT! MOTHER OF GOOD GOD! JESUS CHRIST, WOMAN, COVER THAT HELL OF YOURS UP!"

Did you guess it? If you haven't, well, Tifa, to impress Cloud of course, had pulled off her disturbingly small tank top, nobody imagine this, okay: D

All of this made Cloud uneasy, he had to get away or at least get Tifa to put it back on, this to him was none the less horrifying.

"Tifa, are you there?" Cloud didn't dare to look her way; "I love you" he lied.

"Huh? Y-you don't know how great this feels; you finally confessed your love to me!" She sheds a tear which now gives everyone some uneasiness.

Cloud now faints as she comes to hug him.

Barret looks in horror, "this all was too much for the poor foo'."

"Is it over? Please, let me die!" Vincent cried bunched up into a ball in a corner.

Barret thinks quickly and throws bundles and bundles of cloth over Tifa, now all you could see was cloths pressed against her body.

"Daddy," came a soft innocent voice, "daddy?"

'_shit' _Barret thought fast and tried hiding Tifa inside a closet.

"Daddy, why is uncy Cloud dead, and why is unca vinni pointing a badass son on his head?"

badass son meaning gun, Marlene must have heard Barret use that word many a times when buying himself a new gun-arm, and unca and unci is basically 'uncle'.

struggling to hide Tifa's nude, Barret managed to look over at the pondering little girl, "Cloud isn't dead, princess, he's sleeping. And were did you hear that word, young lady!"

"But his arm is bent and he's having trouble breathing. . ."

Finally pushing Tifa in, locking the door, and throwing away the key, Barret leads Marlene back up the stairs and pats her on the head a couple of times, " Princess, when you know what's good for you, you'll stay away from uncy Cloud and unca Vinni."

"But daddy"

"Oh, you must be hungry."

He hands her some gum and the poor girl leaves

"And save half of that for supper. And if you're thirsty, help yourself to some sewer water! But absolutely no beer! And if you need a midnight snack, get the fudge bar I left you from our unlimited stash! But only and I mean only for a midnight snack, which is after 12:00!"

She sighed as she left and turned the corner. Aeries and Red suddenly appear and they are dragging Cid with them.

"Where was he?" Barret asked scratching the back of his head.

"He had flipped over the counter and was helping himself to some beer, he needs some help, his condition isn't good. . ."

Aeries looks down at him, he was completely drunk and he kept drinking at this second while at the same time lighting up a cigarette.

"throw the foo' down the stairs, that'll nock some sense into him."

Aeries leaves dragging Cid behind her, Red looked at Barret as if what to do next

"Um, you, go in and put this on Tifa." Barret hands him one of his tank tops.

"But won't she mind, I mean, it's sweaty and gross, and I can't even touch it let alone hold it my mouth to give to her AND try and actually put it on her!"

"It's very important that you do this!" Barret shoves it in Red's mouth, "You'll know when you get there, now go!" Red just growls and heads for Tifa. The man wipes sweat from his forehead, all this ordering around made him tired, time for some beer. As he leaves Red spits out the disgusting tank top, "Why am I the one to do this! Hhhm, better stick this job to someone else, I need some beer." He then sees Marlene and asks her the same thing Barret asked him, but in different words to make the girl understand, "Sure I'll tell Tifa to put on this Cloud-attracting Tank top and then give you a massage!" she cheerfully agreed after being promised candy. She skipped away as Red chuckled and headed for the fridge, there he found an awfully strange beer can, he pressed a button thinking it would unleash beer but, instead, it shot ten bullets in the air, this had been the magnificent discovery the weapon/gun-arm that could belong to only one person.

* * *

A/N:I hope this one was a little better than the last one, pease, please, oh please review.I need to know your opinion on this stuff! well,thankyou to anyone who actually felt in a good mood and read this and enjoyed it

: D


	4. BEER

_**BEER**_

Well, as you know, the bullets were launched and jammed in the ceiling.

"SHIT!" Red yelled in awe staring at them blankly, soon, beer came pouring down from the bullets.

"Freaky..." his eyes opened wide and there was only one thing left to do! Drink!

. . . Over at were Barret was. . .

"My alcoholic sense is tingling," he whispered twitching his nose, "Is that I smell sweet, sweet, addictive alcohol?" Barret got up and sniffed the air a couple of times, then the TV, and then his armpit.

"It's definitely not me and I'm not watching a beer commercial either. . ." he sniffed around a bit. Vincent had arrived breathless and sweating. And it was not because he had to piggy-back ride the fainted Cloud away from the monstrosity which is known as Tifa in his opinion.

Barret sniffed him, "I sense fear in you," he predicted.

"Oh, how right you are, Barret." He stated leaning on Barret all the while dropping Cloud directly on the floor, which banged him up pretty badly; in return, his consciousness came back.

"What is going on?" he asked scratching his head, "did we kill her yet?"

"Hmm" that gave Vincent an idea, but no time to ponder that now.

"Barret, it is only right that you know Marlene is down there! With this god-awful tank top that. . ." thinking of it made him nauseous, "excuse me." Vincent left to puke out his insides. Barret was furious, "What is Marlene doing down there?"

"Don't worry, Barret. You threw away the key, right?" Cloud asked, comforting Barret

"Oh yea, hey, how do you know that?"

"Well," he began, "_someone_ had thrown some keys on me, and last thing I remember is Tifa being locked up and. . ." He reaches deep down in his pocket for the keys, but to no avail.

"Uh, Barret, would you believe that. . ." Barret looked furiously at him, "that . . . uh, you have the keys. . ."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! $$$#&#$$u."

Barret had said so many curses and swears simultaneously that it bunched up as one huge word that no one will ever comprehend in a million years.

Cloud looked at him dazzled by his creative vocabulary, "um, why don't I check on Marlene." He offered.

"Hmm, was Red there by any chance?" Barret asked; either Red listened to his instructions and did it in record time, or he got Marlene to do it.

"You go get Marlene, I'll have a chat with Red." he said looking responsible and not yelling like a psychopath.

_He's quiet, this isn't good . . ._ Cloud thought. He headed for the secret underground lair and listened in on Barret's conversation, this is what he heard before getting out of earshot.

. . . YOU F&ING MORON! HOW COULD YOU EXPOSE HER VIRGIN EYES!. . . .

"God be with you, Red, I hope he survives."

. . . . Marlene's encounter with Tifa . . .

"Lalalalalalalalal gonna get me some sweets and cavaaatiiies!" she sang cheerfully as she skipped around the lair.

"Marlene! HELP ME!" Tifa banged around in the closet.

"Tifa!" Marlene called, "I got a tank top for you!"

"Open this door, Marlene!"

Marlene fidgeted with the knob, it refused to turn, "it's locked!"

"Look for keys, I heard Barret throw them, then I believe they landed in someone's mouth." Tifa explained as Marlene scanned the room.

"Oh! There!" luckily, there had been keys on the floor and Marlene picked them up and fit them perfectly through the keyhole.

"Tifa." she said, gently opening the door. Tifa had known better than to face the girl forward. Marlene thought a while, "Red said that is crucial I cover my eyes at this point," she then covered her eyes and held the revolting tank top in front of Tifa.

In a matter of time, Tifa had the top on and her cleavage takes up so much space that the Barret's top fit her as well as her old one, but what happened to her old one?

_BOOM_

Cloud barges in tripping over his one feet, "Marlene, don't look!" he yelled sacking the girl with a potato sack.

"Tifa?" he looked at her for once in his life relieved, also dropping the sack on the ground

"Ow!" Marlene squeaked, popping her head out, "daaaaady!" she cried.

What seemed like stray bullets shot right above Clouds head and barely missed Tifa.

"I'm here, baby!" came Barret's rough voice.

"Yippee!" Marlene flew into his arms and hugged him.

"Guess what everybody!" Barret screamed waving his beer gun arm everywhere. No one answered, but the silence was broken after the stray bullets launched in the wall exploded into beer.

"Your gun arm!" Cloud finally said spilling beer into his mouth.

"Hey, what happened to Red?" Tifa asked pointing to Red's eye

"Oh, he's just blind." Barret said helping himself to some beer.

Red started his explanation, "as you all know, my one eye has a scar on it, therefore, I cannot open it, now Barret punched me in my other eye and it is swollen, so, I cannot see a thing."

"Red," Marlene said, "I hope you know you're talking to a wall."

He only sighed.

Well, everyone was happy, but . . . half of the gang isn't even there? What's going on?

* * *

it's been so long since i've updated! this chapter was a quick one! R&R!


	5. Sephiroth Returns

Alright! Next chapter!

Okay, the gang's been through a lot, what with Tifa and her nude, and all of that other stuff. But the suffering never ends. . .

Here you see Yuffie

Hair: pink

Eye color: purple

Is In: a rock concert

Is: a rock star

Is playing: drums

Invited: Cloud, Aeris, Barret, Red, Cid, Vincent, and Sephiroth

Came anyways: Tifa

Condition: being booed

You must be wondering. Well, Yuffie succeeded in the band, rocking and all, but a lot of detail has been skipped. . .

. . . Hopping back two chapters. . .

"Yuffie, you get started on the band!"

Hearing Tifa's demand made Yuffie sigh. A band? Well where was that going to lead them to? Or did Tifa just want to have something for her to do just to keep Cloud to herself. . .

"Well, better get started!" Yuffie followed Tifa and Cloud to the secret lair, but Tifa refused to let her in so Yuffie left for that room she had previously taken the afros from.

Turns out it was a dresser room. Who would have guessed?

She grabbed the phone and made some preparations with Gold Saucer, then rented a drum set.

"Show time. . ."

Now to Vincent, where we had left off, puking in a toilet, which had started out unflushed.

After finishing up, he flushed it a couple of times, then even more.

"God, this is embarrassing," he muttered to himself.

Talk about embarrassing, Aeris had just popped in, "Dang Vincent." she said, looking in the toilet.

"Shut up! It's all Tifa's fault! Speaking of that whore, where is she?"

"What do you got against Tifa?" Aeris asked, "Actually, I don't care, I came to tell you something! I was looking for sephiroth, and-"

"You were looking for SEPHIROTH?"

"I did it for a reason!" She exclaimed

"Yea, Aeris, go head, put the world in danger again, like we really need another sequel to final fantasy VII."

"As I was saying," she began again with her annoying high pitched voice, " When I was walking, I figured out Shinra had banned all weapons from Midgar after all the things Midgar has been through no one can ever fight again. And I was looking for Sephiroth because-"

Vincent was covering his ears, "hearing you talk is like falling in love with Hojo! Could you get to the point already?"

Aeris scowled, "well, do YOU think it's safe to let Sephiroth out in the streets of Midgar? Besides, I got to get some things straight with him!"

"What kind of things?" Vincent questioned knowing it would be important.

"Oh you know, the usual . . . stuff. Hey you should go talk to Cid if you're still confused, he was with me so he should know a thing or two." she replied.

"Cid? You mean that drunken nincompoop who would forget his own name if it wasn't so short and in every final fantasy game? Screw this I have unfinished business with Tifa."

Vincent walked out of the bathroom but Aeris called him back, "You forgot to flush one more time!" this made Vincent walk faster "That's not it though! You should really talk to Cid, Tifa's taken care of, Cid is at the counter!" she screamed the last words loud and clear.

Vincent, despite Aeris' advice, headed to the secret lair, there he found Barret hugging Marlene with a potato sack, Tifa all nice and covered up, Cloud drinking from a bullet, and Red being blind and all.

"Is anybody going to tell me what's going on?" Vincent questioned them.

"No." a simple answer from Red

Vincent quickly turned around and headed out the lair, this couldn't get any weirder.

"Hey, I still got a bar full of drunks; I got to keep it running!" Tifa said running out of the lair as well.

"Yea and I got to put Marlene to sleep," Barret too headed out the lair.

"But its only 2:35 Am," Whined Marlene.

"Whoa how the time flies," Cloud began," way past _my_ bedtime!" there goes Cloud.

"Thanks for stating the obvious, dink." Red replied leaving.

Basically, everyone had left to sleep, even Tifa who needed to keep the bar alive went to bed and so did the slum drunks. Vincent, being nocturnal, was still up all night. He'd been suspecting Aeris and Sephiroth, the two who should be, would be, if he decides to, dead. He then begins to wonder about that weapon law. Why does Barret, Cloud, and himself have their weapons.

At this point who should come to his mind but Aeris, her annoying high pitched voice still haunts him," You should talk to Cid if your still confused. . .You should talk to Cid if your still confused. . .You should talk to Cid if your still confused. . . hint hint (nope she's not done yet). . .I got to get some things straight with him!. . . get some things straight with him!. . . something's straight. . .straight. . .straight. . . That's it! Sephiroth is gay . . . when hell freezes over! He may not look like a man, but if he was gay, he'd be all over me." Vincent wiped that thought out of his mind," I think I'll go with the first one."

Aeris and her stupid advice! Vincent had searched the bar counter up and down, left and right, every nook and cranny, all of it, but no Cid! What he did find was a strange man sleeping behind the counter.

Vincent examined him, wasn't too hard to figure this one out, the silver hair gave it away, "Sephiroth!" Vincent called out. Unfortunately it awoke him. Sephiroth got up slowly, "Victor, I presume?"

"My name, if that is what you are referring to, is Vincent. Now, explain what you are doing here."

Sephiroth walked circles around him, "I don't have to explain my self to you! You're not my mom!"

"You mean the headless freak specimen being tested in Hojo's lab? No, I don't believe I am."

Sephiroth totally looked stoned,

". . ." that's all sephiroth could manage to breathe out in his drunken state

"Say something worth my while; are you really an important part of the storyline?"

"Why of course, Venice, I'm the one who's behind all this. Aren't I always?"

"The names Vincent," Vincent gritted his teeth, "and you are the one who took all of our weapons when we left them at the bar?"

Sephiroth stared blankly, then blurted out a squeak, then a cough, then a choking sound, "well, whatever, you know what laughter sounds like. But heavens no! I didn't take your weapons! My plan is of course less complicated."

"(what could be less complicated than that? And how could this man still manage to keep his balance and say some sensible words at once?)" Vincent pondered this not taking his eyes off Sephiroth.

"Wait a minute, why am I telling you anything, go back to your cave and save Gothem city, Batman."

"For the last time, it's VINCENT!"

Vincent swings his fist at Sephiroth but missed terribly due to Sephiroth fainting on the spot

"Hopeless insolence, that's all I ever get from this guy" he said to himself going back to bed.

Sephiroth was still muttering in his unconsciousness, "I have spies Vernon, spies.

* * *

End of this chapter! Tell me if ya want the next chapter already! 


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